As I approach Layla's 15 month milestone, I am reminded that I was just finding out I was pregnant with her when Noah was 15 months old. Keith and I have had this argument since we were married - how many children do we want?
Keith, coming from a two child family, is ok with stopping at two. Most people would probably agree with him: we have the "million dollar family" - a boy and a girl who are both lovely children.
I come from a 4 child family and I love the idea of a bigger family. I loved the noise, the chaos and the fact that if I was mad at one sibling, I still had two others to hang out with. To me, two is way too small. As I always say to Keith: "If Noah and Layla are fighting, who do they hang out with?!?!"
We have seemed to decide (informally) that 4 is too much. Three may be ok - but there is a constant debate in our house: With two, you can move on from the baby phase (the diapers, potty training, breastfeeding) and start saving for nice vacations, educations and house renovations. We both grew up in families where we didn't take annual trips to cottages or various vacation locales - so it isn't like this is something we need to have annually, but it would be nice to give to our children. We have had only one vacation since having children, when we took Noah on a car trip through New England. It would be nice to go on another trip relatively soon, with both children.
There is also my career to think about. I have just finished my Masters and yet I haven't found a permanent job. I have worked contract for four years due to school and back to back maternity leaves. This has also left a slight financial strain on our family, despite us both making good salaries. Also, as vain as it sounds, this is the best shape I have been in since my wedding and I am kind of enjoying it!
And so, we are approaching the time where I would want to make a decision. I loved having Noah and Layla 23 months apart. It seemed perfect. I would want to have another child relatively soon, as I don't want Noah to be too much older than the youngest child.
However, Layla (over the past few weeks) is going through a particularly difficult phase: kicking and screaming tantrums, biting, hitting - all of which I attribute to her final eye teeth coming through and the cold/eye infection she is currently plagued with. Yet, with her being such a handful it does make us wonder if two is just perfect. Simultaneously, Layla is also the most cuddly and lovable toddler ever - she will sit on my lap and cuddle into my chest all evening while we wait for dinner to be ready. She loves to be held and she has the most infectious smile. Similarly, Noah is the most polite child I have ever met: saying please automatically and apologizing more often than necessary. He is a lovely and gorgeous boy who will obviously be a lovely and gorgeous man one day. My kids are, honestly, amazing and beautiful - and seeing the children we made and how they each are their own little person, with their own (very different) personality traits makes me really want to see what else we can make.
I don't want to live a lifetime of regret at stopping at two if i really wanted three - but I just don't know what to do right now. I didn't really appreciate my last pregnancy as being "the last". I am still nursing Layla and I am hesitant to stop just in case I don't get to nurse another little baby.
We have made one decision - we won't actively try for a third. It was very hard going to a fertility clinic with Noah (luckily Layla was just a lovely surprise). I don't want to go through the emotional turmoil of "trying" again - it is very hard. So if we do decide three would be ok, we would leave it up to fate.
And so, as my biological clock ticks away, we sit and watch Layla having a tantrum on the floor and our current decision may be to stick with two - but I am fairly certain my mind will change once those eye teeth come through...at least until the 2 year molars begin to come through....
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