The impact of children on a marriage

Today, in my lactation course, I heard this line:


"When you become a mother, it is like going to a different planet...nothing is (or ever will be) the same ever again".

Heavy stuff - but very true. I am going to discuss this, not just as a mother - but as a parent. I do believe that children change a mother's life as much as a fathers.

If we, as humans, knew what it was like to start a family I am sure the species would begin to die off a bit because we are an incredibly selfish group. I don't know how to make this entire blog post not sound self-righteous or condescending so bear with me. I am trying to make a point....

In today's society, it is typical to get married and have children. As women enter their fertile years (which in today's day and age seems to be late 20's to early 30's), their biological clock kicks into overdrive and the urge is unbearable for many women. As such, in these years, the women are eager to start off their marriage with children. Believe me, I was one of these women! I was ready to have a baby from the moment I was married. We held off for a year, but I really wonder if we knew what it was like (and I mean what being a parent really is like), would we have held off and enjoyed being newlyweds a bit more?

I honestly believe that people who don't have children have no idea the impact those children can have on your life and your marriage - how could you? Sure, you have watched them, babysat them and even spent long weekends with them - but they aren't your children, your worries, or your concerns. I mean, it makes sense right?

I also believe, that most young couples talk themselves into the belief that "children won't change who we are"; "I am going to be the same person"; or even "our marriage won't change at all and even if it does, we are strong enough to handle it". These are all normal thoughts because, if we didn't have these thoughts we wouldn't ever have children!!!! This is how the species continues to perpetuate!

However, having children really and truly changes you and your marriage - no matter how much we try to convince ourselves it won't. This does not mean that it changes it for the worse. Not by any means - but it sure does change it. And future mothers, lets just nip this in the bud: you will not be showered, looking slim in your lulu pants, breasts perky in a lovely t-shirt, sipping a skinny latte at Starbucks with your adorable child sleeping peacefully in the stroller while you enjoy lazy days together at 3 months post partum. I could tell you what it is really like, but I don't want the species to die off! ;)

I see the change, not so much in myself, but in my marriage. Keith and I have always (and still do) had a strong foundation of marriage. We were that sickeningly cute couple that was always kissing, holding hands, etc. The other day we were walking along together and I realized it had been years (literally YEARS) since we walked hand-in-hand, when just a few years ago, before children, we would even sleep holding hands!

Similarly, you loose that selfishness and you switch to parent mode. You give up things you normally wouldn't think twice about just to ensure your kids get what they need (whether it is a hair cut or new shoes for the kids). Do you let yourself go, physically? Of course not - but if it comes down to you highlighting your hair this month or paying for daycare, which do you think you will choose?

Intimacy changes, as well. I mean, how can it not? Moms (or in some cases, fathers) are up all night with a baby, expected to be up all day either to take care of the children or to work at her place of employment; you breastfeed so breasts suddenly become all about function; your body changes, so there are those issues to handle ... basically every single aspect of your intimate life changes. If you have kids close together in age, or multiples, it only gets worse. I basically fall asleep at 9pm every night at this stage, with "2 under 2".

Of course, nothing I can say can truly convey that you, your partner, and your relationship changes. I would never in a million years say it changes for the bad because I really and truly would do anything for my children and husband.

Yet, similar to that quote I heard today - you don't change back. No matter how much you want to believe your life, your social life, your marriage, your partner and your self will return to how they were pre-baby - it won't. You grow into a new life, a new persona and a new family. The moment your baby looks you in the eye, you change forever.