Trust and other things

I am preparing to go back to work early. Instead of taking my full year maternity leave, I am going back in January, when Layla is 8.5 months old.

I am not struggling with the idea of being away from my babies - although I do have my moments of sadness as I look at Layla nursing, or when I am having a quiet cuddle with Noah - I am struggling with the loss of control over the caring for the children.

Keith is a fantastic father - he loves his kids with every ounce of his being. He cares for them, plays with them and nurtures them. I know he will do a great job, but for some reason, I am having a lot of trouble believing that it will be ok when I am not around.

More than once I have found myself, pen in hand, ready to write out our daily schedule of how things get done:
-Brush Noah's teeth and hair before he goes to school
-Feed Layla no later than one hour before her nap
-Etc.

I have very specific guidelines and a pretty tight schedule of how things run when I am home with the kids. Yet, I have stopped myself a million times from writing it all out because I know that they will figure this stuff out for themselves.

I blame part of my controlling nature on being a nurse. As a nurse, I was very organized, scheduled and had my own way of doing things. I know that my colleagues were the same way: in the morning I would walk into my patients' rooms and reorganize their bedside table of supplies. After my shift, the next nurse would do her own thing and when I came back in the next day, I would have to redo what I had done the day before. We all had our own way of doing things - but did that stop my complaining about reorganizing the rooms? No way....

Yesterday I was at the toy store, buying some stuff for Christmas and I found myself in the bottle section. I am having a lot of trouble grasping the fact that Layla will be bottle fed during the day. I know many children breast and bottle feed quite well - but I know that won't be the case for us. Layla is, and always has been, an impatient nurser. She doesn't like to wait for the let-down and she will have a fit in the process of waiting, which makes the let-down even slower. So, I know once she gets a bottle, she will be in heaven. I have a feeling she will wean herself off shortly after that.

We have a lot of bottles at home because I was a bridesmaid when Noah was 5 months old, and he refused every bottle on the market. Since Layla will be older when she gets her bottles, we will need bigger bottles and nipples. While in the toy store, I stared at the multitude of bottles available. I am completely clueless: I have never bottle fed either of my kids. I didn't know the size of bottle, the type of nipple, or anything. I was near tears in this process so I BBM'd my brother for help, as he bottle fed his kids once they were no longer nursing. I began wondering if I also needed a bottle warmer, or more nipples, or more bottles. Here I was being controlling and untrusting. I stepped back and told myself that Keith was more than capable of coming to the store and getting what he needed, once he figured out what he would need. There was no need for me to buy it all.

Thus, with three weeks until I return to work, I have decided to believe that the family will figure things out on their own - I didn't instinctively know that Layla does best if she naps at 9am and 1pm - I found out by trial and error. Things will be rocky for a little while f while they find their own groove, but I am sure they will find it. Teeth may get forgotten, reflux medications may be given late, and naps may be shortened for a while, but over time they will figure it out.

The only thing I am forcing us to work on before I go back to work is bottles - I want Keith to try to do naps with bottles on the weekend (hey, you can't change me completely!). I think it would be nuts to go back to work without knowing if she can (or will) take a bottle of breastmilk before a nap.

In truth, despite my worries, I am actually excited to get back to work. I miss my office mates and I miss the hour-long train commute in - where I get to read and just be alone and quiet. I am also super excited for Keith to have this experience. As much as it kills me to leave my kids early, I really really want this to be a fun experience for Keith. I want them to have lots of bonding time and I want him to be able to feed one of his kids as they fall asleep in his arms. I want their relationship to grow even closer as they spend unlimited time together. In truth, I also want Keith to know what my life is like as a stay-at-home mom during mat leave. It is not always easy, there isn't always time for me to nap, and at times I want to pull my hair out....and I want him to experience that, good and bad.

I had a friend tell me that paternity leave is a great experience for a marriage, and I really believe that. I think we will both grow in this experience: I will learn how to trust him more and how to give up some control; Keith will learn how to be there for the kids 100% of the time and all that entails.

So wish us luck as we embark on this journey!