While I was pregnant with Layla, I finished my Master's degree and promised Keith I would look for work starting in January (when she was 9 months old). I have been hoping to find a job that would use my Master's degree, and thus get me more money and a different nursing experience. I figure the hunt for the appropriate job will take a while. If I happened to find work early, we have been toying with the idea of Keith taking the rest of my year leave.
Now that Layla is nearly 7 months old, I am going back and forth over whether or not to return to work. You see, I am hoarding my maternity leave! With Noah, I went back to school when he was 8 months old and I always resented that and wanted to have a full year unburdened by school or work. However, I did promise Keith he could have some time off with the kids, if the opportunity presented itself.
I find, as a society, women hoard their maternity leave. Yes, flame me if you will - but lets be honest here: mom's get the final say regarding the maternity leave. Why do mom's feel they hold the control over "allowing" the husband to have some time off with his kids? In Quebec, there is a paternity leave the men can take that cannot be transferred to the mother. How fantastic is that? True, many men don't want to take the paternity leave, either because of the stigma associated with it, the inflexible nature of their jobs, or even the fear of taking care of the children all alone. Whatever the reason, many men do not want to take that time off...which is fine by the women!
That said, what if the father does want time off with his children? Why does he have to ask the mother for that time? Why is there fear in his voice when he mentions it? What is it about women that we feel we have to hold on to that full year for ourselves? Is it because we have to recover from birth? Heck, I was recovered a week later! Is it because we are breastfeeding? My extensive essay writing on breastfeeding indicates that a very small minority of Canadian women actually breastfeed past 4 months - so that can't be it!
I certainly don't have the answer, but I can tell you why I flip back and forth between "allowing" Keith to take the final months of my leave. First and foremost - I am selfish! I want that time with the kids! I like the lazy days that Layla and I have together. I enjoy my time with Noah, colouring and making forts. With Noah's maternity leave, I watched a lot of television because there was nothing to do around my area. Now, I never watch a television program for myself and a whole day can go by without an email check!
Secondly, I am afraid of what returning to work will do for my breastfeeding relationship. I am very pro-breastfeeding (I wasn't lying when I said I have written numerous essays on the topic!). I nursed Noah until he self-weaned at 16 months when I was pregnant with Layla. Nursing Layla has been a fight from day 1. She honestly doesn't seem to like nursing all that much and she is a master at the bottle. I never give her a bottle for fear she will prefer it. I know she will - and thus, returning to work likely will mean an early wean. I will continue to pump and provide her breastmilk in the bottle, but it isn't the same. There is something about holding a baby close to you, while they look you in the eye and stroke your face (or, in Layla's case: claw at your face and mouth and then giggle). Can you get that same experience through the bottle? Of course - but something about breastfeeding is very near and dear to me and it breaks me up that she will wean early (and believe me - she will!)
Thirdly, I am afraid of what it will do for my relationship with the kids. Any job I may find will be an hour and a half commute - I won't see the kids much during the week. I have done this before, when Noah was a year old and we adjusted just fine. Layla however, is going to bed at 6pm lately, so there may be days I don't see her at all! However, this relationship aspect is what Keith always uses to drive home why he needs that time on paternity leave - afterall, he has always had to work and come home with only a few hours to see the children. It won't make the kids hate me or resent me - but down the road I worry it might, no matter how silly that fear may be.
Finally, I am afraid of missing out. I hate that I won't be around all day long to see Layla's firsts. I will get over this, of course. Noah, for example, took his first steps at daycare and I was happy and proud of him; not sad that I missed it. Yet, a part of me wants to fall on the floor sobbing at missing these events with the kids.
However, all of my fears and hesitancies can be used as arguments as to why Keith should be able to take that time with the kids too. He never got that time with Noah, and I can hardly tell him he can't take that time with his own children! Do I think he is capable? Sure! I think it will be a large learning curve for us both to flip roles, but I certainly think he will do a fantastic job. No one plays hide and seek as well as he does!
So will I go back to work early? Probably - I feel it will be good for us. A friend of mine told me that it strengthens the marriage as it allows the husband to realize what a day at home with two kids is like, with no breaks or help; and I will get to realize what it is like to come home and have two kids thrust at me and allow him time to check his email and just have some alone time.
Now, to find work.....
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